8:06 p.m. - 2006-06-15
Understanding
I think I'm starting to understand something.
I lived my whole adult life, until a little less than a year ago, as part of a twosome.
Even when twosomes aren't as emotionally connected as they once were, they share all of lifes ups and downs. Illnesses and deaths in families and among friends. Job traumas. Financial woes. Shit happening in general.
I always loved that part of coupledom. I could never understand why my happily single friends chose to avoid coupledom, sometimes outright avoiding relationships that might lead to being a twosome.
And then I was alone myself.
The past year of my life has carried more emotional ups and downs than any that came before it. Of course separation from a 10-year marriage, which was also the end of a 15 year relationship, was a huge part of that.
But there was so much more. Learning to be financially independent when I don't have a lot of money. Having a friend deal with a life-threatening illness, another lose his son, and another his wife. Watching someone I love turn into a raging alcoholic and fighting the temptation to join him. Sleeping in a house alone when I'm childishly afraid of doing so. Major upheavals at work, again and again. Losing a beloved pet.
I've been lucky enough to never have so much shit hit the fan in such a short time period. Maybe it was fate that it all decided to hit when I'd have to deal with it as a single person, when I was still struggling with the day to days of actually just being single.
But I'm still standing. I'm still scared, but not as scared as I was. I'm still fucking up, but not as royally as I was two months ago. There are times I feel almost stabilized.
And honestly, even though a lot of it still sucks, I never EVER want to go back to the feeling I had in those first few months, that feeling that I simply could not do this and make it work. I'm not good at this thing called life without a partner just yet, but I'm getting better at it. I never want to fall down again.
So I can finally understand why it gets harder to open your mind and heart to a relationship the longer you've lived alone, especially if you've had to adapt to it before. The reality is there's just as good a chance that it won't work as that it will, and you'll have to get used to being without it again, after you've let yourself get back into a life that is secure and content and comfortable. Why go through the adjustment period again?
I'm not saying I couldn't or wouldn't when the time and person are right.
I'm just saying I finally understand why some people choose not to.
